Things have taken a turn for the worse.
I thought that I might have been having a bit of a ‘blip’, having a bad patch, so to speak. But this is the new me. The new me that lives under a cloud of stress and worry. After 19 years of being pretty much symptom-free, my MS turned obviously ‘Secondary Progressive’ about 5 years ago. Cue walking difficulties, fatigue and cog-fog (for me this means memory problems, difficulties concentrating and finding the right words at times). Within 5 years I have gone from an active, confident woman, to one who worries incessantly about the future – my own and my children’s. My husband will also vouch for a massive increase in my anxiety levels. I often feel anxious about going out (will there be somewhere I can sit?) and I now have a need to plan and organise my time, as I hate the thought of being unprepared and unable to carry out tasks that I could previously do with ease. I feel stress rising even with simple, everyday activities, such as taking the kids to school – is my scooter battery charged? Is it bin day, meaning I am going to have to try and avoid obstacles on the path? Is it raining so the scooter is a no-go?
With a long haul holiday on the horizon, I can feel my anxiety rising in volumes – will I manage ok with my new scooter? Will I have problems with security when I need to try and
wobble walk through the security scanner, like I did when I was last away? Will the certain heat (we are going to Florida) sap all my energy and walking ability? Will I remember to take my blue badge so I can use it in the States? In order to reduce the panic I need to plan, plan and plan some more, checking and double checking that I have sorted everything that I need to to make the holiday go as smoothly as possible.
And just when I felt weighed down under that cloud, I saw this… Maya Angelou, the writer and poet talking about how we have so many ‘rainbows’ in our lives who help cut through our clouds. What a clever lady Maya Angelou was. And it made me realise that, although I do feel like I live under a cloud, the people that I have around me make it so much more bearable, and I should be concentrating on them, the way that they make me feel and how they support me. The colleague who leaves a cup of freshly made coffee on my desk every day, as she knows I struggle getting to and from the staff kitchen. My children, who make me laugh every day. My husband, who helps me around the house, doing jobs that I find difficult. My family, who are always there for a chat and to provide advice. My friends, who I can rely on for a laugh. So many rainbows. I just hope that I can also be a rainbow too, to those that I love so much. Thank you xx